i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I currently don't understand fingers.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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