went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
