he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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