After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
