My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
