How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
