Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
organizing the empties. That sober.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
