I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
