sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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