You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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