The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
