my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You smell like stripper and shame
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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