i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
