For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
