I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
