The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
