Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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