pedialite and red bull = repair kit
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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