the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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