Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We left the knife in your bed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
