A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
