drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
