I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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