My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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