sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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