if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
