Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
