I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
