I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
