They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
