alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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