who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
