I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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