Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
