Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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