1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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