i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
