watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she told me i tasted like america
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
