did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize