ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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