im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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