I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
