Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
This is my gift to your gina
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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