she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
