i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
