I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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