i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
