**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
