my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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