yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Randomize
