at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
