Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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