don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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