Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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