a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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