if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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