i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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