Whatcha textin bout Willis?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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