I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
