I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
