he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
