we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
