I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
