he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
worst night to have a conscience
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
